The Cullens Take England
by BarnumOnTheBrain
Summary: The Cullens decide to take go on holiday to England. They tackle London, Cambridge University, Alton Towers and various other stops! Nominated in the Shimmer Awards - this is just for some fun. Enjoy!
1. Proposition

**So, I'm starting a new fic, one that'll probably end up having about ten chapters, if I get enough reviews (I'm not going to waste my time on a fic that no one likes!). It'll be fun, family orientated, and ****this first chapter is literally an introduction.**

**All credit to characters goes to Stephanie Meyer, her publishers and Summit Entertainment. Character manipulation and scenarios are simply a product of my over-reactive imagination – I promise I'll put the characters back into their boxes once I'm done playing with them.**

**Please, review, as I really have no idea whether this is a good idea for a fic, or if I'm wasting my time. Reviews are important to me – your opinions matter to me as a budding writer!**

"Hey Edward."

"Go away."

"Edward."

"No."

"But Eddie!"

"Jog on."

"C'mon. Please?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because it's stupid."

"What's stupid?"

"You are."

"Ouch Eddie. That hurt. If my heart still worked it would've just been broken."

"Moron."

"Fine. If you won't play along, I bet Jasper will."

"I'm sure he will."

"I always preferred him _anyway._"

Edward grinned as Emmett flounced across the room.

"Jasper."

"What?"

"Knock knock."

"Oh dear."

"No, it's 'who's there?' Play properly! Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"You know."

"You know, who?"

"Exactly. AVADA KERDAVRA!"

Jasper rolled his eyes as his brother burst into peals of laughter.

"That's not funny, moron," Rosalie scoffed from the dining room.

"Hey Rose, how did the blonde get money for gas? She sold her car."

Jasper snickered.

"Did you hear about the vampire who insulted his wife? Yeah, he didn't get any for six months," she replied dryly.

Edward chuckled.

"Hello, children," Carlisle sauntered down the stairs. "And how are we all this fine afternoon?"

Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Alice looked at him, dumbfounded.

"What?" he asked, dropping the arms he had raised to them inviting them into an embrace.

"Did you just get laid?" Emmett asked bluntly.

"You, my dear son, are the being for whom the word 'crude' was invented," Carlisle sighed. "Why?"

"You're awful... happy," Jasper evaluated.

"That doesn't have to mean I just..." he trailed off.

"Prude," Alice snickered.

"Old timer," Edward guffawed.

"Shut it, you lot," Carlisle said, embarrassed. "Anyway. I have a proposition for you. How would you like to have Spring Break in England?"

"England?" Emmett yelled? "Aw, hell no! They don't know the meaning of football! I mean, c'mon, pick the ball up once in a while!"

"Their football is soccer, idiot," Jasper groaned. "How do you not know that?"

"And they speak funny."

"Emmett, quiet for a second. What does everyone else think?"

Esme flitted down the stairs to Carlisle's side and gave him a small smile as she took his hand. "I think it's a nice idea. Your father was born there; I think it's high time we paid it a visit!"

"You would," Emmett grumbled, and slouched back into the settee.

"I'd like to go!" Alice chirped. "It's... quirky."

"Of all the adjectives you could have used for England and you chose _quirky_," Carlisle sighed theatrically. "Anyway, the flights are booked; we'll spend three days in London, two days in Cambridge and then a week travelling round the countryside. How does that sound?"

"Cambridge?" Emmett asked blankly.

"Oh my God Emmett. You're so stupid," Rosalie laughed. "It has like, one of the best colleges there! Or, universities, I should say. Cambridge University?"

"Great," he groaned. "What do we do during our vacation? Go to some stinking college."

"Edward?" Carlisle addressed him. "Bella?"

"She's spending Christmas with her mum in Florida anyway. It'll be good!"

Alice's eyes were going blank then focusing quickly.

"Alice?" Esme asked.

Alice beamed. "It's going to be good! The weather is looking cloudy, wet and cold – perfect!"

"If I get bored there and end up playing _real_ football on their cricket pitches, I'm blaming you." Emmett glared at Carlisle.

He clapped his hands together. "Excellent, folks. I know you'll all love it!"

Emmett snorted, and slouched off to the garage.

"Where're you going?" Alice demanded.

"Like you don't know," he grumbled. "Off to play one last game of football before we have to resort to wussy soccer."

"Football... by yourself?" Rosalie suppressed a laugh.

"Yes," he said defiantly, and swaggered off with his nose in the air.

The rest broke out into silent laughter.

**So basically, I plan on taking them places I know well, towns and cities I enjoy, and prepare for 'family fun time' as I'm going to call it; the guys will wreck havoc in Tesco and clear the pool in Cambridge, whilst the girls clear out Harrods and kick it up a few notches at Alton Towers! Okay, so this summary sounds pretty crap, but it'll be fun and maybe have some lemons in there at some point too! **


	2. Aeroplane

Because you guys are awesome, here is the second part of the first 'chapter', as it were, of this, which I wrote for you pretty quickly. ENJOY! And please, still review!

Spring break came round quickly that year. The weather in Forks was wet and cloudy, so the days were filled with endless classes; the nights filled with endless lovemaking. Edward was more than happy to spend nights at Bella's, allowing his family freedom from his gift. Carlisle's evenings were occupied mostly with flight arrangements, accommodation searches and transport organisation, much to Esme's dismay.

"Why are we going to England?" Emmett asked for the umpteenth time.

"I'm going to say this slowly for you Emmet," Alice patronised him. "To. Have. Fun. You. Understand?"

"But everyone else gets to go to cool places in Spring Break! Where do we go? Jolly old England," he sarcastically celebrated.

"Dry up Em, everyone else's looking forwards to it," Jasper snapped.

"Take a chill pill bro, sheesh." Emmett rolled his eyes. "You're so emotional all the time. What's up with that?"

Jasper growled.

"You'll love it, I promise," Alice grinned. "I can just tell with these things."

"But there's a party in the USA," Emmet's voice saddened. "Miley says so."

"Right, everyone's bags packed?" Carlisle asked the morning they left. "Emmett, I don't think they'll let you take your baseball. Drop it back in your room."

Emmett grumbled as he wrenched it from his suitcase.

"Esme, you've got the pounds?" Carlisle checked.

"Ouch, Carlisle. I mean, she had only just had a baby when you changed her! No need to be a jerk," Rosalie scoffed.

"Rose, she meant the money," Alice suppressed a laugh.

"What's that?" Jasper licked his finger and lifted it in the air. "An awkward atmosphere?"

"Yes, I've got the money," Esme sighed. She smiled at her young coven with affection.

"Rosalie, Alice, you've both you room in your suitcases for whatever you'll pick up on the way?"

"Yes," they chorused excitedly. It had been a while since the family had travelled.

"Right, we run to the airport – saves us having to worry about the cars – and we'll get the flight to New York," Carlisle smiled. "We land in JFK in twelve hours from now, then we get a flight with British Airways to London Heathrow. Everyone ready?"

"Let's just get this over with," Emmett grumbled, leading the way out of the door and darted into the forest.

Rosalie followed him with a grin, the rest hot on her heels.

They landed in New York all in one piece and made their way into their terminal.

Within two hours, they had boarded their plane – business class, of course - and settled in for the long-haul flight.

The cabin crew began the routine display of safety in the aircraft, demonstrating how to use the oxygen masks and life jackets.

"Something tells me we'll be okay," Jasper breathed into Alice's ear and she giggled.

A passenger behind them tutted.

They suppressed another laugh.

"We will be landing in approximately six and a half hours, into London Heathrow," came the voice of the captain, thick with an English accent. "We wish you a pleasant flight."

"So what do we do now?" Emmett asked grumpily as soon as the plane had taken off. It was still climbing when he moved to take off his seatbelt.

"Sit still," Rosalie hissed under her breath. "You're _human_!"

"Aw, hell," he moaned, slumping back into his seat.

"Shut up and eat some nuts," Alice told him with a small grin.

"_You _eat some nuts," Emmett shot back.

"Americans," came a low tut from behind.

Carlisle snorted. "That's what _they_ think."

Within a few hours, the Cullens had settled down into their seats, reading papers, watching films or browsing the in-flight magazines.

Carlisle stared out of the window. He was remembering the last time he had been in England. _It had been 1891, the boom of industry and the age of revolution. Carlisle traced his footsteps back, taking him to the streets of London. It had changed since he left. Wooden houses lined the muddy, dirty backstreets. The city Carlisle had left was dirty and poor, but nothing compared to this. Faeces rotted in the streets, children ran back and forth like criminals and disease stank from every shack. He walked down the streets with a sober face as dunks stumbled out of a run-down tavern in front of him._

"_Hello, pretty boy," one of them slurred as Carlisle approached. "What's a nice boy like you doing out here?"_

_Carlisle passed through the group silently, with a sick feeling in his stomach._

"_Oi, he was talking to you," another prodded him in the back. The group was large, and surrounded him._

"_Please," Carlisle said quietly. "I have a small amount of money. Take it, and let me pass."_

"_You're not going that quickly," cackled a third, and the other joined in. The circle closed in on him. One man took a swing at Carlisle's head, and he ducked. _

"_Oh, he's quick, this one," came a guffaw from the group. Carlisle closed his eyes, and leaped up in the air._

"_What in the blazing fires of-"_

_Carlisle didn't stop running until he hit the edge of London. England had changed since his last visit._

Carlisle felt a gentle hand on his arm, and turned to look at Esme. She smiled at him weakly.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Esme asked.

Carlisle smiled warmly at her, and leant in to kiss her forehead. "Just thinking. About last time."

"Oh darling." Esme leant into him and they stared out across the clouds together as the sky.

"Eurgh. They are so _mushy_," Emmett snorted behind them. Rosalie didn't look away from her film screen. Emmett sighed again, glancing at her. She stared ahead of her.

"Well, I think I'll be off to the bathroom," Emmett stretched, looking hopefully at her.

"Way to keep up a good front," she said emotionlessly.

"C'mon, Rose," he almost begged, holding her hand to his chest and leaning close to her face. "You never heard of the mile high club?"

"Emmett!" she exclaimed, must to the annoyance of their fellow passengers.

Carlisle turned slightly to look at Emmett. "Emmett, are you sure that's a good idea?"

"You've never really been able to keep it... safe," Esme cautioned quietly.

"You guys are _so_ boring!" Emmett groaned. "It's like you're _Edward_ or something!"

Edward chuckled at him from across the aisle.

"Alice!" Emmett exclaimed when Alice suddenly appeared from the toilet cubicle with a grin on her face. "Where have _you _been?"

"I had to use the restroom," Alice said innocently, taking her seat in front of Edward.

"Oh yeah? So where's Jasper?" he accused.

Jasper stepped proudly out of the toilet as if summoned, and winked at his brother. He took his seat next to Alice and pecked her on the cheek.

A grey haired woman a few rows back gave them a disapproving glare.

"Aw man, how come _they_ get to have sex on a plane?" Emmett cried indignantly.

This outburst earned Emmett a series of shocked looks from the passengers and a sharp look from Carlisle that told him he was in trouble later.

"I'm sorry, sir," a hostess came over with a serious look. "But could I please ask you to keep your voice down? You're disturbing the other passengers."

"But _he_ got to have sex on a plane," Emmett moaned.

"I'm sorry sir, but that is not our responsibility." She walked away with a disdainful look on her face.

"Way to go, Em," Edward hissed at him. "Now you've got 'em hating on yo ass."

"Edward!" Esme scolded, and hid her face in her hands for the rest of the journey.

"Please wait to be dismissed off the aircraft by a member of the cabin crew. We wish you a pleasant stay in Great Britain," came the cool voice of the captain.

" Wait? Stuff that!" cried Emmett, as Jasper slyly filled him with excitement. "We're in London, baby!"

He launched himself of his seat and vaulted himself off the plane and down the tunnel to baggage claim.

"Way to go, Jasper," Rosalie hissed. "Now we have to find him."

"Sorry," Esme apologised to the air stewardess as she passed. "I can't help his behaviour."

"Don't worry, madam," she smiled. "We've dealt with people with learning difficulties in the past – and he seems very sweet."

Carlisle guided his embarrassed wife off the plane and followed his scattered family into the airport. "Something tells me this wasn't my best idea."

**Okay, so this is where the real fun begins. It's all uphill from here! Please review :')**


	3. Taxi Ride

**So, I know this chapter isn't as funny as the previous two, but I hope it is still entertaining! I will be posting more this week – please keep your fabulous reviews coming!**

"Stop him!" hissed Carlisle as they darted after Emmett running (at what could just be passed as a human pace) towards Customs. "If security notices him, we're done for!"

Jasper smirked, and changed Emmett's mood in an instant. He stopped in his tracks, and turned to Rosalie. It took him less than a second to grab her and pull her into his arms, locking his mouth on hers. "I am so turned on by you right now," they heard him mumble.

Carlisle and Edward groaned.

"Not like _that_," Esme sighed at Jasper. He grinned back, but sent out a wave of calm to Emmett.

Emmett's irritation seeped through, however, as he let Rosalie go. Passing passengers gave the group odd glances.

"Jasper, you are such a bitch!" Emmett exclaimed and took a step towards him. "You know I hate it when you do that, and in _public_? Was that necessary?"

"Did I hurt your feelings?" Jasper mocked with a pout.

"How am I supposed to bloody well know? You're controlling them!"

"Gentlemen, we're in public, enough of the foul language," Alice commanded. "Let's just get to baggage claim and go to the hotel."

She led the way with an angry Rosalie, leaving the boys to bicker amongst themselves and Carlisle and Esme to bring up the rear.

"Don't worry," Esme consoled her frowning husband. "Just because we got off to a bad start doesn't mean it'll be all bad! Alice said herself that it would be a good trip!"

Carlisle glanced darkly at her. "Things can change."

She rubbed his arm soothingly as the beautiful family glided through to collect their horrendous amount of luggage.

The two taxi drivers were waiting for the family with signs at arrivals, looking bored. They floated towards the two men with their bags carried easily at their sides. The cabbie's mouths hung open as what appeared to be a band of angels walked towards them.

"You the Cullen family?" one of them asked, stunned.

"Yes, we are," smiled Esme warmly. "You'll be our taxi drivers into London, I take it?"

"Yes, ma'am," said the other, doffing his old cap. "Can I help with your luggage?" he added helpfully.

Jasper grinned. "I think we'll be okay."

"Of course, sir," smiled the other one, still slightly dumbstruck.

"So you girls will be taking one cab, and we'll be taking the other?" Carlisle clarified. Both of the drivers puffed out their chests and threw hopefully glances to the three women.

"Sure! So which of these handsome gentlemen will be our driver this evening?" Esme beamed.

"I will!" they chimed.

Rosalie and Alice laughed sweetly. Jasper and Edward snickered. Emmett was still seething.

"Does that leave us fellows with no driver?" Carlisle sighed theatrically. "And I was so hoping to bestow a generous tip upon someone this evening."

"On second thoughts," said the first cabbie hastily, "I would be honoured to drive guests of the country to jolly old London-toon."

"Excellent!" Jasper exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Let's go!"

It was nearly nine in the evening, and the airport was fairly quiet as the family shoved bags and suitcases into the now heaving boots of the black taxis. Emmett pulled Rosalie into a quick kiss before they parted, and Jasper took Alice's hand in his, raising it to his lips briefly. Carlisle ran a finger down Esme's face lovingly and Edward stood there looking awkward. He jumped into the cab quickly, followed by his brothers.

"See you ladies in a while!" Carlisle called to the girls as they piled into their car.

"Hell yes!" came an excited cry from Alice, followed by a scolding from Esme. "What?" they heard her defence. "We're in England, baby!"

The guys chuckled lowly.

"To the Ritz, London?" the cabbie checked before starting the engine.

"Yes please," Carlisle leant forwards to talk through the glass. "I'm Carlisle, and these are my sons; Emmett, Jasper and Edward."

Each of them waved a hand at their name to the cheerful chap. Not Carlisle, the driver.

"Sons? You're a bit young to be their father, aren't you?" the cabbie asked lightly as they pulled away from the glistening airport.

"My wife, Esme, and I adopted them and the other two girls about five years ago. Biggest mistake of my life," he added with a wink.

"What, marrying Esme?" Emmett cut in. "Yeah, I bet she doesn't do anything interesting, if you know what I mean." He winked and nudged Edward. Edward looked at him with a disgusted expression.

"Your wife the one with the hair?" the driver skimmed over Emmett's comment. The vampires noticed the uncomfortable blush in his cheeks, and Jasper set to work at changing that quickly. His own cheeky mood set about taking over the unsuspecting cabbie.

"Yes, the boys here see her as a mother," Carlisle said proudly, not noticing the giggles that had taken over Jasper and Edward.

"What are you two giggling about?" Emmett asked groggily.

"Yo moma," Edward retorted childishly.

"What?" Emmett scoffed.

"No, literally. YO MOMA!"

"Boys," Carlisle said sharply.

"Ah, they're having fun," chuckled the driver as he glanced in his rear-view mirror at the boys. "What about you lads? Get along with your sisters?"

"You could say that," mused Jasper, trying to suppress a fresh peal of laughter.

"I always found Rosalie in particular, quite agreeable," Emmett suddenly dropped the mood and joined in with a laugh.

Carlisle rolled his eyes.

"Oh that's good," smiled the cabbie. "I imagine it would be hard starting in a new family with new girls. Must have been awkward at first?"

"No, not really," Jasper tried to say lightly. His voice broke once as laughter slipped through.

"The ice was broken pretty quickly, actually," Emmett added.

"We all found we had a lot in common," Edward nodded.

"Like food. Our diets are pretty similar," Emmett ventured.

"And we all love animals-"

"But try to stay out of the sun-"

"It doesn't react well with any of our skin types-"

"Especially Edward's-"

"Yeah, it reminds him what a bitch life can be-"

"But his girlfriend likes it anyway."

Emmett and Jasper roared with laughter at Edward's embarrassment. He turned away from them in a huff and Carlisle sighed.

The driver, clearly perplexed by their quick banter, pressed on like a trooper. "So you fellows have girlfriends? Two good-looking blokes like you must be fighting them off!"

"Actually, I'm married," Jasper said proudly.

"You're a bit young for that, aren't you?" the driver frowned.

"He's older than he looks," Edward said dryly.

"Yeah, and it's only to his sister," Emmett said matter-of-factly.

"Oh... kay," said the cabbie and threw an odd look to the now grinning Jasper.

_It's like they're from East Anglia_, Edward heard the cabbie think, and he snorted.

"We're not actually related," Jasper explained. "It's Alice – you know, the short one with us?"

"Oh yes, I remember her," smiled the cabbie. "Black hair, gorgeous face!"

"That's her!" said Jasper happily. "And Emmett's married to the blonde, Rosalie."

Emmett puffed his chest out proudly. "She's amazing, really, she is. Knows all about cars and she can take down a man twice her size! She's beaten Carlisle in a fight before."

"I let her win," Carlisle explained with a hesitant smile.

"Yeah, whatever, old timer," Emmett laughed. "And she's great in bed."

"I bet she is," mumbled the driver, unaware of his audience.

Carlisle cleared his throat as Emmett's laugh boomed around the car.

"How far to the hotel?" Edward asked from the corner.

"Well, it's quiet here, and we've just hit Gunnersbury Park so another ten minutes at my guess." The cab was now driving down a long wide road lined with houses

"I can't shake the feeling that we're on the wrong side of the road," Emmett complained after a moment of silence. "Not that I'm worried," he added in an undertone with a grin.

"So where are you chaps from?" asked the cabbie cheerfully. "You don't sound like our usual Yank tourists!"

"We're not your average tourists, no," mused Jasper playfully. "We've had a better upbringing than most of our kind."

"We're from Washington," Carlisle informed him helpfully.

"Washington? We went there on a holiday once! My wife confused the White House for a cathedral, bless her. She never was one for absorb culture. But a beautiful city! Got nothing on ours, but you did your best," he winked in the mirror.

Emmett snickered.

"Washington State, not D. C.," Edward smiled. "Although I'm from Chicago."

"Oh no," Jasper groaned.

"He's starting on about his bloody childhood," Emmett cried.

"'My mother raised me alone'," Jasper imitated Edward's voice.

"'Father was always away on business, so it was just her and I'," Emmett added.

"Oh get out the bleeding violins," Jasper scoffed.

Edward huffed at them. "Just because you've got no soul."

"That one hurt, Eddie," Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Boys, keep it clean. We're in good company," Carlisle frowned at his sons, but smiled at the still cheerful driver.

"If you look to the right now," the cabbie indicated with his hand, "you can see the Thames that flows right through the city. Years ago, this was _the_ place for trade in Europe!"

"I remember," Carlisle said in an undertone with a smile.

"Oh God, not you too Carlisle," Emmett groaned. "Where's Esme's violin when you need it?"

"On your left now we have the Natural History Museum and the V&A-"

"The Victoria and Albert Museum-" Edward added quickly as they passed. Emmett and Jasper glared at their know-it-all brother.

"- and on your right is the world-famous Harrods! No doubt you chaps will be visiting there!" the cabbie exclaimed happily.

"The girls will, at least," sighed Jasper. "Carlisle and Edward will drag our butts into the museums."

"Great," Emmett added.

"Again, on your left, the Hard Rock Cafe – excellent for those who can afford it," the cabbie laughed as they whizzed by, the sign to the restaurant lit up in the night.

"There it is!" exclaimed Edward as they turned right alongside the magnificent hotel. The sign was lit up against the cold stone of the building and shone off the side of the black cab. Edward and Emmett darted out of the car excitedly, and took in their first deep breaths of London. The air was rich with tangy alcohol, expensive cologne and luxurious fibres, thick with excitement, anticipation and the thrill of a dream in London.


	4. CheckIn

**So I'm on holiday at the moment, and was in town today – a town that you will all get to read about soon enough, as it turns out – and I've been thinking about this chapter all day! As it's the hotel chapter, I will probably write a spin-off lemon with one of the couples – I'm thinking Rosalie and Emmett at this point into time – but I'll post it as a separate story so this fic can stay rated 'T'. If I do, I'll post a link at the beginning of the next chapter for anyone who wants to read it. Hope you enjoy this!**

"Emmett, you MORON!" Edward yelled at his brother as he ran across the road to the hotel. "Come back before you get someone killed!"

Emmett turned with a grin and leaped across the road – thankfully it passed as human behaviour. The cars that had to swerve him weren't so delighted, and Emmett earned himself a few middle fingers.

"Em, we have to unload the taxi before we can do anything," Carlisle sighed just as the girl's cab pulled up behind their own. "And try to stay human," he added in an undertone.

The cabbie flung the boot open and began hauling out the bags. Jasper, amused as ever at the sheer weakness of humans, watched in curiosity.

"Thank you so much, Gerald," Esme was saying as she handed over several £20 notes to their driver, who still had a slightly vacant look in his eyes. Emmett looked on in wonder as he noticed the colour of the paper.

"Let me see that," he demanded, taking the money from Esme's hand. His eyes roamed the purple and white paper, noticing it was a different size and colour to the £5 he had seen in their cab's money box. There was a picture of Elizabeth II on the right-hand side of one side of the paper, underneath the words "I promise to pay the bearer the sum of twenty pounds." _Hmph, _he thought to himself, _she looked pretty good when she was young. But what the hell is up with these different colours? They must get confused real easy, these Brits._

"C'mon, you lot," Esme called happily once the cab drivers had been paid. "Let's get inside, it's freezing out here!"

"Strange lot," they heard one of the drivers say to the other. "Gorgeous, but strange."

"Meh," the other shrugged. "They're American."

"LOL!" Emmett's laugh boomed. "They don't know the _half _of it."

They all pulled their luggage behind them to the steps where they were greeted by a dorman.

"May we help you with your luggage, sir," he addressed Carlisle in a crisp English accent, a sharp contrast from the warm cockney tones of their drivers.

"That would be delightful," Carlisle said happily, and six bellboys were called outside. Each of them grabbed two suitcases each and led the way into the glittering reception. The floor was white marble, highly polished and reflecting the bright lights of the chandeliers. A pianist was sitting at the grand just inside the doorway, tinkling a bright evening tune, a tune one might find in one of the more elegant restaurants in the evenings. The ceiling was two stories high, the supporting walls covered in glossy oak panelling.

"This is fan-cy!" Emmett laughed in the quite hall, earning some disapproving looks from guests in suits and cocktail dresses. "What?" he defended himself. "It is."

Rosalie stepped on his foot.

"Good evening, and welcome to the Ritz Hotel," the woman behind the large desk said with a smile faker than Aro's enthusiasm. "How may I help you?"

"I'm Carlisle Cullen, I have four rooms booked?"

"Of course." Cue fake smile. "Ah, here it is. Doctor Carlisle Cullen; three deluxe two bedroom suits and the Royal Suite?"

"Yes, that's correct," Carlisle practically beamed. "And that's for three nights?"

"That is correct." Fake smile number three. "Will you be paying now, or after dinner, sir?"

"We won't be attending dinner this evening," Carlisle said, his mouth twitching. "We had a long flight, and prefer to dine privately-"

The three boys snickered behind him.

"- so I'll be paying now."

"Excellent."

"I bet she's superglued her smile into place," Alice chuckled at the receptionist's expression stayed frozen.

"She's got a smudge of lipstick on her teeth too," Rosalie laughed quietly, lifting a gloved hand to her mouth to hide her smile. The receptionist glanced in their direction.

"Shut it," Carlisle said too quickly for anyone else to hear.

"So who gets the Royal Suite?" Jasper asked as they were led up the grand staircase to the first lift.

"Who do you think?" Edward said exasperatedly.

"Me and Rose, blates," Emmett winked.

"I genuinely think that Alice and I should get it," Jasper declared.

"Why is that, my dear son?" Carlisle enquired as they loaded into the large lift. It was a bit of a squeeze with the seven of them, six bellboys and six large suitcase, but the lifts were extraordinarily large.

"Because it was my idea to come here in the first place," Jasper said confidently.

"What? Not it wasn't!" Carlisle exclaimed.

"Yes it was," Jasper replied earnestly.

"You're an idiot," Edward stated.

"I second that," Emmett agreed.

"Like you're getting the big suite," Edward rolled his eyes. "There's no way Carlisle's giving up his suite. Period."

"Aw, c'mon Carlisle!" Jasper moaned, turning to look at a stony-faced vampire.

"Can't we at least swap rooms after one night?" Emmett begged.

Carlisle raised an eyebrow at them.

"Do you really want to spend time in that room after knowing what him and Esme plan to get up to tonight? Because I've been in their minds, I know what they're planning." Edward shuddered.

"Thanks, Edward," Esme said dryly.

One of the bellboys coughed uncomfortably, whilst another tried his best to contain a laugh.

"Oh here's your floor," Carlisle said loudly as Jasper and Emmett began to complain again and all but flung them out of the lift as the doors opened. They turned in time to see Carlisle kiss Esme tenderly as the doors closed again.

"You guys are too old for that!" Emmett yelled after them.

"If you'd like to follow me," one of the bellboys said nervously to the group. They were led down red and gold carpets past door after creamy white door until they reached the first of the suites.

"Mr Emmett Cullen and Ms Rosalie Hale," said a second bellboy, stepping forwards and opening the door.

Emmett strode over the threshold with Rosalie's arm tucked under us. She squealed as the others were led off to their rooms.

The walls were cream as was the basis of all the furniture, with red splashed on nearly every scrap of fabric. The door led right into the living area, consisting of two soft sofas upon which fluffy crimson cushions sat. Two antique cabinets sat either side of the sofas, and a crooked wooden table rest between them. The bed was a large four-poster, large and inviting, with a feathery duvet lay and warm pillows piled on top. The room was dimly lit with an elaborate chandelier hanging from the creamy ceiling, and smelt faintly of rose petals.

"If there is anything I can help you with," stammered the bellboy, "please call down to reception and ask for assistance. I hope you have a pleasurable stay. " He backed out of the room, unnoticed by the ecstatic vampires.

"I haven't seen luxury like this since the thirties!" Rosalie squealed.

"We're in London, baby!" Emmett laughed.

"Look at these cabinets, they must be antiques!"

"We're in London baby!"

"And these paintings! Oh Emmett, look at these paintings!"

"We're in London, baby!"

Rosalie bounded across the room to him and flung her arms around his neck. He picked her up and swung her off her feet, narrowly avoiding the old table. They landed in a laughing heap onto the large bed, smiling, hardly daring to believe they were out of Forks.

"Rose, darlin', there's something I have to do before we do this," Emmett smiled as his wife ran a hand down to his belt.

"Yes?" she asked, a smile playing at the corner of her mouth.

He bounded up and ran to the window. Flinging it open, his voice boomed out of it into the busy night; "WE'RE IN LONDON BABY!"

Hardly waiting to finish his sentence, he ran back to the door and hurled himself out of the room, calling "LONDON BABY" as he ran. It took him less than a minute to return to his slightly baffled wife.

She looked at him questioningly, wondering why he ran off, and why he was back so inexplicably soon.

He looked sad. "Alice told me to eff off. I think I walked in on her and Jasper doing it again."

**Review, please, even if it's a few words! I'll take good and bad – criticism helps my writing! Reviews make me happy :')**


	5. Skype Me?

**Thank you to the beta for this story Just4Me – your help and suggestions really helped me!  
>I hope you guys enjoy this chapter – and if any of you have suggestions on where the Cullens should go in London, or England in general, don't hesitate to mention it in your review, or pm me!<strong>

"Skype? Really?"

Jasper whipped his laptop out of the suitcase and put it on one of the spindly desks that looked out over the cool evening. "Hell yes. Tell the other to get online. It'll kill some time, and then we have all night to ourselves. Now doesn't that sound good?"

Alice smirked at her husband. "Fine. But you'd better make it worth my while."

"Of course, ma'am," he winked at her and pulled her down into a quick kiss. "But c'mon, get your laptop, this could be fun!"

"If you say so."

"Like I said – then we have _all night_."

_Emmettbear, Rosebud, CaptainJaz and four others have been added to group conversation._

Emmettbear says: GUYS. Have you seen the size of these BATHTUBS? Srsly. Me and Rose fit in there easy, with the water on.

Rosebud says: I'm not gonna lie. It was pretty good.

CaptainJaz says: Why are we talking online when we're only a few doors down from each other?

Emmettbear says: Because we can. Stop being so 1876, gawd.

Freaky_Alice says: I totally knew you were going to say that.

Rosebud says: No kidding.

DrCullen says: Keep it calm guys. How are your rooms?

CaptainJaz says: Carlisle, why're you so formal all the time?

Rosebud says: Yeah, it can get kinda old.

Freaky_Alice says: Bit like you, really.

DrCullen says: I'm not _that _old.

Emmettbear says: He used italics online. Could you be any more Volturi?_**.**_

Rosebud says: Yeah Carlisle. Gawd.

CaptainJaz: And what's with the profile name anyway? 'DrCullen'? C'mon Carlisle, MAN UP.

MommaCullen says: Says the most emotionally charged vampire in this conversation.

Emmettbear says: Oh DUDE. You just got burned by yo momma.

CaptainJaz says: You told me you liked me showing real feelings *dies inside*

DrCullen says: Well, I _am_ a doctor. And my surname's 'Cullen'. What's wrong with it?

Lionheart says: I like it. Don't you listen to them Carlisle.

Rosebud says: Who the hell's 'Lionheart'?

Emmettbear says: No way. It can't be.

CaptainJaz says: Oh. My. Gawd.

Freay_Alice says: I knew it.

MommaCullen says: Edward?

Lionheart says: Yes, it's Edward...

Freaky_Alice says: Lionheart...?

DrCullen says: Really...?

Emmettbear says: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

CaptainJaz says: Epic fail of your life.

Rosebud says: LMFAO. Edward, what's up with the 'Lionheart'? You don't even HAVE a heart.

Lionheart says: Yes I DO. Just because it doesn't beat doesn't mean it's not there! Anyway, Bella calls me her lion, and my heart belongs to her.

MommaCullen says: That's... nice, Edward.

Emmettbear says: You're such a pussy.

Lionheart says: Cat?

CaptainJaz says: No. Just pussy.

MommaCullen says: Gentlemen, no need to be so vulgar!

Freaky_Alice says: I totally knew you were going to type that. I just had a feeling, you know?

Rosebud says: Alice – shup. Edward – you are such a loser.

DrCullen says: I'm saying NOTHING.

MommaCullen says: Don't you listen to them Edward. If you want to be Lionheart, you BE Lionheart. I don't think you should change your name – I love you just the way you are.

_Lionheart has changed his name to Eddie_C._

MommaCullen says: Or change it. Because that's not awkward at all.

CaptainJaz says: That's totally not an improvement.

Emmetbear says: Dude. I'd be embarrassed right now. Jasper, make him feel embarrassed.

Rosebud says: Totally do it.

_Eddie_C has logged off._

Freaky_Alice says: Bagsie telling Bella about this.

Emmettbear says: Too late. I've got her on the phone right now. Brb.

CaptainJaz says: Anyone watching Britain's Got Talent?

Freaky_Alice says: Yeah, of course!

CaptainJaz says: That's because you're sat next to me.

Rosebud says: That guy on the piano's better than Eddie.

DrCullen says: What, Paul Gbegbaje?

MommaCullen says: No he's not. Edward's sublime!

_Eddie_C has logged on._

Eddie_C says: Meh. He's okay.

CaptainJaz says: Better than you. All you play is classical drivel.

Emmettbear says: Eddie, Bella says HI BITCH.

Eddie_C says: No she didn't.

Emmettbear says: Yeah she did. I'm on the phone with her.

Eddie_C says: Whatever. Tell her I love her.

Rosebud says: *gags*

CaptainJaz says: That's gross. I might have to eat human food just to chuck it up again.

Freaky_Alice says: You disgust me.

DrCullen says: Jasper, I wouldn't.

CaptainJaz says: Yeah, but you "wouldn't" a lot of things.

MommaCullen says: Tell me about it.

Rosebud says: Esme – seriously?

MommaCullen says: Jasper started it. I'm just clarifying.

CaptainJaz says: TOO MUCH INFORMATION. As if your feelings weren't informative enough *shudders*

Eddie_C says: You're such an emo, dude.

CaptainJaz says: Says the one who nearly cried when he heard Bella, the human, was going to prom with Tyler.

Eddie_C says: THAT WAS A RUMOUR. And it hurt.

Freaky_Alice says: Man up.

DrCullen says: So what does everyone want to do tomorrow?

Emmettbear says: Rosalie?

Rosebud says: DUDE *facepalm*

DrCullen says: Anything else aside from mating?

*silence*

Eddie_C says: ... Madame Tussauds?

Emmettbear says: NO WAY.

Freaky_Alice says: They smell really weird!

CaptainJaz says: Loser.

Rosebud says: You just want a photo with that guy who looks like you.

MommaCullen says: What guy?

Rosebud says: Robert Pattinson.

Eddie_C says: He looks nothing like me.

CaptainJaz says: What, the one that's in _Water For Elephants?_

Emmettbear says: LOL.

Rosebud says: Yeah. They look WELL alike.

Eddie_C says: I feel like a turtle.

DrCullen says: What?

Eddie_C says: Awkward.

Freaky_Alice says: Owned.

DrCullen says: So Madame Tussauds is in? What else?

Emmettbear says: Carlisle, no one actually cares.

MommaCullen says: I do.

Rosebud says: That's because you have to. You're his _wife._

MommaCullen says: Well observed, dear.

Emmettbear says: Don't you think it's weird how Carlisle's only 23, and I'm 20, but he's supposed to be my _dad_..?

DrCullen says: Em, you just used _italics_. Could you be anymore Volturi?

Freaky_Alice says: That was random.

Emmettbear says: But valid. Carlisle – shup, else I WILL take you down.

CaptainJaz says: Esme has a sugar daddy. Kinky.

MommaCullen says: Awkward.

DrCullen says: I kind of like it.

MomaCullen says: You do?

Rosebud says: OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH CONTRIBUTION FROM YOU, ESME.

Eddie_C says: At least you don't have to read her mind.

MommaCullen says: Guys, we're in one of the most beautiful hotels in the world, and you all are still determined to lower the tone?

Freaky_Alice says: Emmett started it!

CaptainJaz says: Yeah, don't blame us!

Emmettbear says: Man the hell up, Whitlock!

CaptainJaz says: *dies inside*

Rosebud says: LOL. Emmett. I literally adore you. You're great.

Emmettbear says: N'arwh. I love you too!

Eddie_C says: "N'arwh"? Now who's the woman?

Emmettbear says: Still you. And the little Major. Which, by the way, is confusing. Jasper, why are you 'Captain', rather than 'Major'?

CaptainJaz says: Because I sometimes pretend I'm Cap'n Jack Sparrow. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

*silence*

DrCullen says: You need to try to control your emotions more, Jasper.

Emmettbear says: LMFAO. Loser.

Rosebud says: And on that bombshell, I think me and Em are gonna turn in.

MommaCullen says: "Em and I" – grammar please.

Rosebud says: Who are you, the Grammar Police? Go spend some quality time with your sugar daddy *wink wink nudge nudge*

DrCullen says: She has a point, Esme.

MommaCullen says: Fair dues.

_MommaCullen has logged off._

_DrCullen has logged off._

Freaky_Alice says: Is it me or can I hear the bed down there moving already?

Emmettbear says: KTHANXBAI, FREAKS.

_Emmettbear has logged off._

_Rosebud has logged off._

Freaky_Alice says: Jasper, you okay?

CaptainJaz says: Yeah. Why?

Freaky_Alice says: Good.

_Freaky_Alice has logged off._

_CaptainJasper has logged off._

Eddie_C says: Just me. Because this isn't awkward at all.

**So what will the new dawn bring? Watch this space...**

**Much love for reviews – criticisms and suggestions are welcomed! **


	6. Vampire Weekend

**HI GUYS. I know it's been a larger gap between updates at the moment, but I'm getting weighed under exams – writing this (albeit small) chapter was a bit of light relief! Also, the Breaking Dawn trailer totally made me go back into fanmode. I watched it actually squealed out loud. I've also made two 'postcards' for you from two members of the family, but fanfic won't allow links in fics OR personal messages. If you want to see them, pm me – Just4Me, a most wonderful beta, has assured me they are funny! Again, thanks to Just4Me, the beta for this fic, you do a wonderful job proofing my story!**

"Oh my GOD, Emmett." Alice's voice rang down the corridors with an edge.

"Do you want to go?" I sighed, looking at Carlisle. He raised an eyebrow at me. "I take that as a resounding 'no'. Good to know I can rely on you." I winked at him as I floated out of the room. He laughed at my aloof expression and I winked. I loved him – Carlisle really was something. We were very lucky to have him – even if he _is _past it.

No wonder he and Esme wanted that room – it was massive! I had tried not to imagine what happened in the dining room overnight when I caught their scent (hurriedly covered with rose perfume) whilst exploring the magnificent suite – it was enough to bring up... well, it was a pretty gross thought. The light flooded into the room beautifully in the morning, but Alice assured us that the sun would be behind the clouds all day after eight thirty, so we were hiding out in our rooms until then. Mine and Em's room was great though; we had a fantastic view over London all night (not that we paid much attention to it), the decor was tasteful and had a dusty rose smell to it. I liked it; it felt elegant and homely. I always imagined our house like that – the one we bought when the grandkids started to want to stay with us... ANYWAY. Yeah, it was pretty neat.

It didn't take long for me to climb out of the elevator on the floor above and hear Alice's groans from our room – no, not those kind of groans.

"Emmett," came a whine as I opened the door to our rooms. She was stood in the middle of the room, Emmett in front of her. One of her hands held the sleeve of his t-shirt, the other on her hip. Jasper was stood behind her, a hand covering his smirk.

"What's wrong with it?" Emmett demanded, looking down at his shirt. Sprawled across the chest were the words: **A vegetarian since the invasion - Vampire Weekend**

I snorted. My husband certainly had a good sense of humour. He looked up to see me leaning in the doorway and grinned.

"Emmett, it's inappropriate!" Alice whinged.

"I think it's funny," Jasper ventured from the corner.

"Don't even get me started on what _you've_ put on this morning," she threatened.

"Em, don't listen to her. It's great," I laughed and stepped into the room. I noticed Edward brooding in the corner. "Edward, suck it up. You'll see her soon enough."

He looked at me with a forlorn expression. "I miss her."

I rolled my eyes as Jasper snorted. I swear, sometimes we are so in-tune it's as if we're actually related. Now _there's _an unnerving thought.

From Edward's corner I heard the opening bars of Michael Buble coming from his headphones; "_Another summer day, has come and gone away, in Paris or Rome, but I wanna come home. I miss you_."

"Oh my GOD Edward. You are _so_ pathetic. We've been away for less than a day and already you've brought out the Buble. Man the hell up!" Emmett laughed. Edward glared at him and plugged the earphones in tight.

"Oh it's going to be an eventful day," we heard Carlisle's voice float down the corridor to us.

"Oh great. The parental units are here," Jasper rolled his eyes. "Just in case we get out of control or something."

I grinned. "Heaven forbid."

Esme appeared in the doorway, Carlisle's arm around her waist. "The sun's gone in. You all ready?"

"Sure thing," Alice chirped. "Just let me get Jasper changed into a more suitable shirt – I can't talk Em out of his shirt though." She sighed tragically, and pulled Jasper out of the room with her. His expression cried out for help; we looked on mercilessly.

"Interesting choice of shirt, Emmett," Carlisle smiled at my husband. Esme laughed.

"I know, right?" Emmett grinned and strode over to my side. "I did it to piss off Alice."

"That was a bit harsh," I giggled.

"Yeah, but it was funny," he said proudly. "And totally worth the overnight shipping fee just before we left. Paid for by me, obviously," he added hastily as he saw Carlisle's raised eyebrow.

"Whatever," I scoffed, and he tickled my ribs. "Get off, you ape," I squealed, batting him away.

"Bella would appreciate that shirt," Carlisle mused, still admiring the colours of it.

Edward's head snapped up from his corner. "Bella?"

"Aw, shut up, Ed," I groaned. "You're getting far too attached."

He growled at me. I flashed my teeth in return.

"We were just saying Bella would like Em's shirt," Esme said quickly before I could say anything else to provoke the lovesick goon, warning me with a glance.

Edward considered the shirt for a moment, before shrugging and returning to his beloved Buble.

Alice and Jasper were back in a flash, Jasper now dressed in a dark blue check shirt. The colour looked great with Alice's hair – probably her aim.

"Madam Tussauds first then?" Carlisle confirmed with us all as we grabbed bags and wandered into the gilded hallway.

"Sure thing, pops," Emmett said happily and clapped Carlisle on the shoulder.

Carlisle gave him a withering look. "Don't call me that. It makes me feel old."

"Says the three hundred and fifty year old vampire," Jasper crowed.

"Yeah, you're so boring Carlisle," Emmett laughed.

"Esme's way more fun," Jasper winked at her.

"Indeed." Emmett took one of Esme's arms while Jasper took the other. They skipped down the corridor with her laughing between them. "Come on, ginger!"

"Her hair isn't _ginger_," Carlisle called indignantly after them. "It's _caramel_!"

"Whatever, blondie," Alice punched his arm. "Let's catch them up before they're unleashed on London."

We grabbed one of his hands each and ran (at a painfully human pace) after them. He was smiling again pretty quickly. The six of us waited for the lift, all smiles for once.

"Wait, where's Edward?" Esme asked after half a second.

"Damn," I sighed. "I knew it was too cheerful."

We climbed into the lift, the sounds of "Oh _guys_," echoing miserably down the corridor as the doors slid shut.

We all burst into a fresh peal of laughter at the forlorn tone of Edward's voice.

"Jaz, sort him out," Alice giggled.

He smiled. "Of course, ma'am." He looked down adoringly at her before raising his eyes to us. "It's going to be a good day."

**Thoughts?**


	7. Author Note

**Author note:**

**Okay, so I know I haven't updated in a while – longer than usual. This is because my laptop has broken AGAIN. Last time this happened I stopped writing fics for a long time because I just didn't have anywhere to save my work, but I won't stop writing **_**entirely**_**...**

**But until I get my laptop back, updates for this fic will be fewer and more far-between. When I have time I will write more chapters, but for anyone who reads my work in general, I will still try to write one-shots.**

**However, ideas for this are still flowing and I have a few chapters planned already, they might just be slow to appear but know I haven't given up on this fic just yet!**

**Thank you all so much for your support with this fic – you guys inspire me to keep writing. Again, thanks. I hope to update soon!**

**Much love.**


	8. Something Smells Weird

**This chapter is for whoever nominated this story for the Shimmer Awards – it means more than you could know. I know it may be seen as a tad trivial, but still. For me, it means something just to be nominated! Sorry for the delay on this chapter, but I hope your waiting will be worth it.**

**As ever, thank you to Just4Me, a most wonderful beta.**

The queue was long. Very long. Carlisle led the family around the corner and stood stock still for a moment as the clouds ahead threatened rain. Then, in complete synchronisation, they turned to Emmett.

Emmett gave them a reproachful look. "What?" he demanded. He glanced again down the long line of people and repressed the urge to moan in frustration.

"Don't make a scene," Carlisle growled slowly.

"Me? Make a scene?" Emmett looked positively offended. "What would make you say that?"

"Oh I don't know," Jasper smirked. "Maybe it's because at the first screening of the _Deathly Hallows_ you got bored of the queue and told everyone that Dobby dies just to ruin it for people who didn't read the book - just to give you a laugh?"

"That was hilarious. Remember that little boy who almost cried?" Emmett smiled gleefully at the memory.

"You're a sick, sick man," Edward said in a disgusted voice.

"Hey, I did it for the good of the family. Plus it was totally fun to make someone cry without actually touching them!"

A woman with two children stood in front of them turned with glaring eyes to Emmett.

"Oh no, it's not how it..." Esme began. "It's totally how it sounds," Emmett cut right across her. "It was great." He winked at the two children. The woman huffed something about "nasty American tourists" and she turned to shield her children from the looming bulk that was Emmett.

"Douche," Jasper sniggered.

"Jasper!" Esme scolded.

"Moron," Emmett shot back to his brother.

"Emmett," Carlisle warned.

"Alice!" Alice said with glee.

"Alice – really?" Rosalie rolled her eyes with a small smirk.

"What?" Alice defended herself. "I felt left out."

"You're so cute," Jasper smiled, bringing up a finger to stroke her cheek.

"Oh guys, get a room," Rosalie gagged.

"Hypocrite!" Alice cried indignantly. "At least _we _don't bring down buildings!"

"Actually, there was that one time," Carlisle reminded them with a shudder. "And Esme had spent years on that house."

Esme frowned. "We have seen worse damage." And she gave Carlisle a small smile.

"I don't care what you say," Edward said with a look of disdain on his face. "You guys are just too old for that." And he glared at Carlisle as if it was his fault Edward hadn't got any in over 90 years.

"As much fun as this is," Emmett stretched his arms out in front of him, having ignored most of his family's conversation, "I think it's time this queue got moving."

"You wouldn't," Edward began, standing stock still with a look of horror on his face as Emmett's thoughts poured into his own mind.

"He would," Alice grinned, knowing exactly what was to come.

"You bet." There was a twinkle in Emmett's eye.

Carlisle looked startled. "What's going...".

"Excuse me please!" Emmett boomed, throwing an arm around Edward's shoulder and making his way along the queue with pride. "International superstar coming through!"

The Cullens followed hastily, apologizing to random members of the queue as they passed, cringing at the thought of what was going through Emmett's mind.

The crowds mumbled grumpily, until a teenage girl they passed let out a squeal. "Oh my GOD! It's Robert Pattinson!"

"This was Emmett's plan?" Esme hissed to Alice as they followed Emmett and Edward's backs. "To pass him off as an actor? You cannot be serious!"

"I'm deadly serious," Alice laughed. "He's got some imagination, that boy!"

"Why oh why did I agree to turn him?" Carlisle groaned as Emmett's booming laugh carried down the street. "He's more trouble than he's worth!"

It didn't take long for members of staff along the queue to message into the front desk that an international celebrity (or whom they _though_t to be an international celebrity) was on his way to the museum, and they were greeted by the manager. The manager took in their appearance; a delighted Alice and Jasper were pulling up the rear behind a harassed-looking Esme and Carlisle, whilst Rosalie and Emmett joyously dragged a horrified Edward to the front doors.

"Ah, Mr Pattinson!" the manager exclaimed, taking Edward's hand and shaking it vigorously. His voice was laced with a French accent, his ginger hair sleeked back and suit crisp. "What a delight it is to have you here with us!" Apparently the coldness – both his hand and facial expression – didn't deter the manager. "Right this way.".

The Cullens followed him in; some rather reluctantly.

"Esme," Jasper whispered as they followed him. "Is he related to you?"

"What?" Esme fretted.

"You're both ginger enough to be Weasleys," he winked at her. She batted his cheeky face away with a small grin. He was impossible to be annoyed at.

"Emmett, I can't believe you did this," Edward hissed as his brother and sister dragged him into the building. "You will pay for this!"

"Oh sue me," Emmett guffawed. "Just be a star, okay?"

"And how do I do that?" Edward looked almost delirious.

"Stop being a baby," Rosalie laughed. "And just go with it!"

"Don't be a drag, just be a queen," Jasper suggested.

The manager stopped in front of the double door entrance to the gallery and turned to face them. "I take it you know where to go, sir?" he addressed Edward.

"I'm sure we can figure it out," Edward growled. Emmett stepped on his foot. "Thank you," he added sweetly, his foot throbbing. The manager glowed, and gave Rosalie a shy smile before scooting off back to the front desk.

"We're in! And free of charge – I am officially amazing. Carlisle, why not just hand over the keys of the house to me now? I'm practically the alpha." Emmett looked chuffed with himself.

"You smell bad enough for one," Edward muttered.

"You know, for an international superstar, you're awful cranky," Emmett said matter-of-factly. Edward gave him a withering look.

They started into the dimly lit room and walked towards the first of the wax figures.

"Oh look Edward!" Rosalie cried happily as they approached it. "It's just like you!"

They forced him into a standing position next to the wax figure of the person they had just moments ago being trying to pass him off as. He looked thrilled.

"Oh smile, you miserable git," Jasper commanded, holding up a camera to capture the beautiful family moment.

"I hate my life."

"Excellent!" Jasper grinned, knowing he wouldn't need a photo to remember that particular moment – but it sure helped.

"Oh my God!" Emmett shouted, attracting some wary glances. "It's MILEY! Rose, get a photo with me and Miles?"

"And you married him why?" Alice asked her out of the corner of her mouth. Rosalie suppressed a giggle as she obliged her husband's wishes.

"You know, Miley, I really do like you," Emmett was saying to the wax figure. "I think your music is great, and I don't care what everyone else says, you set a pretty good example for me..."

"Let's just leave him with his new girlfriend for a while, shall we?" Rosalie rolled her eyes as Emmett continued to whisper to the figure.

"Oh look Edward!" Alice nudged him as they passed another figure. "Maybe we can pass you off as him next time?"

Edward looked at the Zac Efron model dismissively. "He has a weak chin. I don't have a weak chin."

"You sound like a girl," Jasper told him bluntly.

"What kind of girl talks about strong chins?" Edward asked him sarcastically.

"The butch kind."

"Jasper?" Alice asked. "I totally love you right now."

Jasper laughed as Edward turned miserably to Esme for sympathy. "They bully me all the time," they heard him say sadly to her.

"Man up?" Carlisle suggested in what he thought was a helpful tone.

Rosalie, Jasper and Alice roared with laughter.

"Oh she's pretty," Esme commented on a brunette figure they came to, Edward's head still buried in her shoulder. "Who _is_ that though?"

"Isn't she the one who they fired off the X Factor?" Emmett said, bounding out of nowhere.

"Cheryl Cole, isn't it?" Alice asked. "Awkward."

"How's Miley?" Rosalie asked her husband with a grin.

"We had an argument. I felt like we were growing apart, so I had to break things off with her." Emmett looked sad.

"Sometimes I really do wonder what's going on in that head of yours," Carlisle said incredulously.

"Not a lot," Edward mumbled from Esme's shoulder.

"Wow Edward. Witty," Emmett sniggered. "Momma's boy."

"I am not a momma's boy!" Edward cried without looking at them and they all fell out about in silent laughter. "I'm not," he continued to protest as they continued through the exhibition.

"This place has a really weird smell," Rosalie noted after a moment of silence, wrinkling her nose up. "What is it?"

"Hm, let's think about this one," Jasper began, putting a finger under his chin. "We're in a museum with wax statues and a hundred years worth of dust. I wonder what that smell could be..."

"You're so funny!" Rosalie laughed sarcastically.

"I know. I'm actually hilarious."

Rosalie stuck her tongue out at him but grinned.

"Oh look, it's the Royal Family!" Esme squealed as they entered a new room.

To the left side was a platform covered in rich red material lined with golden ropes and glistening with sparkles. In the centre of the platform was a glided chair, covered in a soft red cushion for people to pose. To the left of the chair was a wax figure of Queen Elizabeth II; to her right was the Duke of Edinburgh. Various other members of the Royal Family were stood nearby.

"Haha!" Emmett laughed happily, bounding over to the figures. "Get me in a shot with Phil – what a pimp!"

"As if you just referred to Prince Phillip as a pimp," Carlisle sighed, putting his face in his hands in despair.

"No fear, Car-Car, let's take a photo with him together!" Emmett said happily, dragging Carlisle to the other side of the Duke. "Smile now!" He slung an arm around the Duke's drooping shoulders and made a pose as if the wax Duke had just made the funniest of jokes. Carlisle stood there looking awkward.

"Hey, who's this?" Jasper asked as Emmett insisted on five more photos, pointing to a woman in blue.

"Jasper, that's Prince Charlie's wife," Rosalie said as if she was explaining this to a defiant six year old.

"Prince _Charles_, Rosalie, not _Charlie_," Carlisle corrected her delicately, looking round to check that none of the security guards had heard his daughter refer to their future king as _Charlie_.

"Whoa whoa _whoa_," Emmett said suddenly, jumping down from his position and looking very concerned. "What happened to Princess Di?"

Esme and Carlisle glanced at each other.

"Emmett, she died," Alice said cautiously. "Fourteen years ago. Where have you been for the last decade and a half?"

"What?" Emmett cried, looking distraught. "But she's THERE!" He pointed an angry finger at the Duchess of Cambridge's wax model. Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Emmett, you moron, that's Kate Middleton!" Rosalie exclaimed, split between laughter and despair. "Prince William's wife?"

"Willy, my boy. You did well, she's pretty hot," he half grinned, admiring the waxwork.

"You should see her sister," Jasper winked. Alice elbowed him.

"I think Bella's prettier," Edward mumbled from behind Esme and Carlisle.

"Yeah, but you also think that Mike Chang from _Glee _is 'awfully good-looking for a guy'," Rosalie snorted.

"Oh shut up," Edward snapped, flouncing off into the next room.

"Ah, what fun," Jasper said with a smile, wiping away an invisible tear of happiness.

"I love our brother," Emmett said jubilantly. "He's so fun to annoy. Now who's up for stealing the Queen's crown?"

"Emmett!" Esme and Carlisle cried, leaping forwards before Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie could do any harm to the frozen, waxy monarch.

**Don't forget to visit my deviantArt page – I have some fan work over there, and two blog entries, amongst other things I would love for you guys to take a look at! The link is on my profile.**

**Reviews make me smile! It may just be a few words for you, but for me it's a whole lot more :')**


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